40+ years of surrendering in advance.
40+ years of self-deprecation as self-defense.
40+ years of believing what they tell me so that they'll like me.
40+ years of wearing a mask that never let me fully breathe.

Unmasking.

I've been fascinated by the therapeutic paradigm of Internal Family Systems (IFS). IFS is a therapeutic model that views the mind as a family of multiple, interacting sub-personalities, or "parts". At the center of this system is the "Self," a person's core of compassion, wisdom, and calm that can lead the internal family toward harmony.

Like most models of the mind, it works well as a metaphor and plays nicely with Jung's model of the psyche. "Parts" act like messengers from the unconscious, or at least subconscious. Before I wade too deeply into any technicalities, I need to humbly assert that I am merely a layperson, interested in learning myself.

As I've been discovering, uncovering, recovering, and ultimately imagining a dialogue with my parts, I've noticed that there's an appreciation. Parts of me that I've been at odds with or oblivious to for years are starting to feel seen. Thus, I'm starting to feel seen.

But I've been coming across one part this past week that is truly testing me.

Saturday, September 27, 2025

Realization: First palpably clear resentment toward a part... it's a part that I am starting to understand, and it is a very clear and important test of self-acceptance/love, because the loathing I have for this part is so paradoxically liberating and damaging. The potential for damage is so real. I could easily beat the hell out of this part with the feeling that I'm avenging over 40 years of servitude and shame... but the flagellation would only be hurting me. Punishment really is not an option.

Loving acceptance is... and that's a tricky one. I could hate all the people who saw this weakness in me... look at my language... I call it a "weakness"—that's the tip of the iceberg, and a very sharp tip at that.

I'm starting to learn that it's the "dark side" of a very good trait I have. I want people to be happy. I don't want to bother anyone. I feel good when others feel good.

But I want to learn to set that boundary between self and other... with the understanding that said boundary is forever in a state of flux. It's my "executive functioning" that is tasked with navigating that boundary, and my executive functioning does a lot of tasks.

40+ years of surrendering in advance.
40+ years of self-deprecation as self-defense.
40+ years of believing what they tell me so that they'll like me.
40+ years of wearing a mask that never let me fully breathe.