“Xeno’s Paradox”

I remember the words coming from Mr. Di Nizo in the tenth grade. _{(Incidentally, I often tell my students, “You won’t remember everything I teach you years from now. You might not even remember everything tomorrow. But something, hopefully something in the way I teach, will stay with you. That’s my goal.”)}

Xeno’s Paradox — it came up when he was teaching us about quadratic equations and parabolas or something. I don’t know. I hated math. I hated school. But I liked Mr. Di Nizo. _{(And to be honest, I liked math… I just hated that I couldn’t get it right away. I had/have this tendency to be very good at certain things, good to an almost savant level ^{((like writing which comes so naturally to me that I can’t really take credit for it))}, so good at some things that when I run up against a challenge I fight/flight/freeze… so Math represented one of those impediments. I would always make some “careless error” — I love how Mom would cal these things “careless errors.” I know she didn’t mean it the way I took it, it was a artifact from her 1950s schooling but to me it internalized as selfish and slovenly — so I would make careless errors in step 2 or 3 that would propagate through each stem and invariably lose points. If only I had the wherewithal to enjoy the journey, but that’s for another time… so I liked math. I didn’t like me.)}

So this concept of moving closer and closer and closer and closer and 1/2 of closer and 1/4 of closer and 1/8 of closer and 1/16 of closer… and never get there. It resonated. Resonates.

^{Waves across spacetime that move closer and closer and closer.}

That was… 1992? 1993?

But Xeno’s Paradox has been haunting me throughout spacetime, been haunting me, haunted me, haunts me…

Do we die? Or do we just get closer and closer and closer and closer? Is my life flashing before my eyes right now? Is this what it is?

Vertiginous – _{zoom in} ^{pan out pan out} _{zoom in}

Later I learned the word for the line: asymptotic. Somewhere I learn that infinity goes in as much as out stretching in either direction. _{^{I try to find the center of Mandelbrot Set contemplating the relative size of the original image to the part I’m witnessing now while wondering if I’ll ever land on solid ground as the paisley swirls of color envelop me.}}

Sometimes the simplest tasks in my life can be asymptotic. XeStroh’s Paradox is the variation of Xeno’s Paradox where the task, the simple task of putting the plate into the dishwasher breaks down like a fractal into molecular steps, atomic intricacies, nuclear nodules, protean particulars, electronic elements, and quarky points. Frozen, it’s easier to put it on the counter and walk away calmly on the outside _{while inside I’m running away screaming like my hair is on fire because the shame, the absurdity,} ^{the unhinged panicked wish to lash out at a world that would create so many steps to put something in the dishwasher and why the hell can’t I just sack the eff up and do the thing that everyone around me does} _{but I don’t see the beetle in their box so maybe it’s just as hard for them and that terror sets in that if they can overcome this why can’t/won’t I…}

To leave this couch where I’m typing this note to get to the kitchen to heat my cooling coffee requires remembering to save what I’m working on, shift my mind, transfer energy from my hands and fingers to the muscles in my core and legs that will get me to my feet as I take the steps to the kitchen to open the microwave door place my cup in decide how many seconds to program 30? 40? Last time I did 30 it didn’t feel like enough but another time I did 30 and it burnt me, will 25 be enough? push start, stand, wait, take it out, bring it back, refocus, so I’m still here typing and my coffee is cold.

_{Now imagine it’s a work morning and I’m dealing with the mandatory compulsories of life. I manage but sometimes it rips the bones off my back (thanks for the image Bruce… my brain was born to run…).}

My ADHD is asymptotic. I get lost the in the infinite steps between increments. _{When do I call it a day?} Have I done enough too much? ^{Am I too much enough?} And when I melt down in my brain am I just like everyone but just too lazy to be as good as them or am I broken and screwed up or does it matter in the least when the ends unsatisfactorily justify what any of this means?

I’ve written about this in other places but a major source of trauma for me is the morning I had to make the decision to take my dog to the vet to be put down and I had to make an arbitrary call down to the nanosecond of when to stop laying next to my dog crying and start carrying him to the car crying and drive crying to wait in the vet’s crying to holding him on my lap crying while he slowly faded away…

And like any lynchpin-traumatic-omphalos moment it’s a fractalized piece of the whole. ^{I once stood at the edge of a diving board crying because I couldn’t bring myself to do a flip but I couldn’t let myself not do it and chicken out and I froze.}

Am I too angry? Am I angry enough? _{A friend told me to calm down and take a breath but I’m not all about this feeling but he doesn’t know that and maybe I am too angry but oh my goodness how could I not be and maybe they’re wrong and I’m right but I would hate to think I’m right when I’m wrong because I really and truly only want to do right by everyone I just want them to be happy really I’m a good person but do I really think that because I think that’s what a good person would think well I guess the fact that I’m even having this internal monologue suggests that I truly am a good person and boy isn’t that convenient?}

Can I ever thank you enough? Do I thank you enough?

Do I love you enough? DO I show you that I love you enough? Can I ever?

Am I in pain or do I just think I’m in pain and maybe it isn’t really pain compared to what real pain is?

Am I good enough? Am I better than I think? Am I actually MUCH better than I think but I’m just so afraid of being immodest that I’m actually too modest and in reality I’m a megalomaniacal lunatic who’s gaslighting himself into realizing he’s the next coming of Gandhi? Or am I completely delusional and this whole time I’ve been the butt of everyone’s joke……….

Can I ever thank you enough? Do I thank you enough?

Do I love you enough? DO I show you that I love you enough? Can I ever?

The Stroh’s Paradox