Some names have been changed.

I am my father’s shadow. I don’t have many friends and I’m not independent. I’m afraid, ironically, of my own… shadow.

Cap, Tony Castille is having Chippy and his family over.
Who’s Chippy?
Ralphie D. He lives in Florida now. It’s gonna be like a reunion. You’ve heard me talk about Chippy.

Dad has a lot of friends with funny names.

Cool. Are Tracy and DeeDee going?
No. They have important teenager stuff to do. I’m 6 years younger than Dee, 8 younger than Tracy. It’s kinda like being an only child.
What about Mom?
Working. But I really want you to meet them, they have kids around your age. It’ll be fun, Cap.

Kids my own age. Why do I feel “normal” around certain adults, but want to scratch my eyes out around new kids my own age. I can barely handle the ones I’ve known since Kindergarten. New ones? Fuck no.

I don’t know, Dad.

C’mon Tommy, you’ll be fine.

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I’m sitting in a living room. Crowded. Friendly people, laughing. Food I’m afraid to eat… I’m afraid to eat in front of people. I don’t like vegetables and I am afraid to try things I don’t like. And people always want to know. And they won’t let you say no. Have this, have this…

Please don’t talk to me please don’t talk to me plea—
Hi! You must be little Tommy. You look just like your dad.
Hi. Thank you.

These are my boys —, —, — and this is Tony’s son, Tony. Tony’s son is Tony like me — I’m Tommy’s son Tommy.

The boys have Southern accents. I never really put it together that Florida people were “Southern” but it makes sense. It’s more South than Georgia, etc.

One of Chippy’s boys used the N-word. This made me uncomfortable, but I didn’t want to make waves so I pretended I didn’t hear it.

I just want others to be comfortable around me. I don’t like when people are uncomfortable — they won’t like me if I can’t make them comfortable. So we settle on a topic we both seem to know. Baseball.

Do you like the Yankees?
Yeah, I like the Yankees.

Do I like the Yankees? Well, I just finished reading a full book called Baseball’s Greatest Rivalry by Harvey Frommer about the Yankees/Red Sox. I practically memorized the sequence of Bucky Dent’s famous AB. Chippy’s boy even knows it. Mike Torrez was pitching for the Sox. He was on the Yankees the year before, 1977. That was the year I was born. I wish I could remember that but I was too little. I was too little in 78 too. But my grandmother has scorecards she made. She showed me. My sisters had a crush on Bucky Dent. I don’t know how much of this I said out loud to…. What was his name? Johnny? Johnny, Chippy’s son from Florida. Sounds like a Duke Boy. Uses bad words. I wonder if they’re racist.

“Oh yeah, it went over the git go sign.”
Git go?
Citco… y’know, gas.

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End of night. We can go home.

Dad had fun. It was interesting seeing him with his friends. I don’t really have friends like that. And the kids were nice. Tony had older daughters around the girls’ age. Too bad they didn’t come.

I’m okay with my sister’s friends. My younger aunts and uncles from Buffalo too. They actually seem to like me. Enjoy my humor… Uncle Mark, Aunt Christine, Aunt Carolyn, Uncle Dan… Tracy’s friends. They can’t believe the impressions I do. The jokes I know. He’s so smart for a kid! What timing! He could be a comedian.

You did good tonight, Cap.
…
No, really. You have a way with people, Tommy. You are thoughtful and caring. People see that. I’m proud of you. You do it naturally.

He thinks I do this naturally?

You’re just being hard on yourself. You don’t have confidence, Tommy. You’re so insecure. But you’re sensitive and you’re nice to people. Proud of you.

I am proud. He’s proud.

But he may never know how hard this is for me.