Dear Donald,

May I call you Donald? You’ve made it quite clear that you would like to win a Nobel Peace Prize before you die… and let’s face it, brother, you’re not looking very good. It’s becoming increasingly clear that you’re not the one pulling the strings anymore on Pennsylvania Avenue. You seem to have outsourced that to the Hobgoblin and other psychopaths. These tortured souls, thinking they’re so powerful but really just slaves to an unfeeling capitalist machine, need you, sir. I know it feels good to feel needed. As a teacher, I know the power of feeling helpful.

They’re playing you. They’re feeding you false information so you’ll rubber-stamp their atrocities. Maybe you know this, and perhaps you’re cool with it because their hatred resonates so deeply with your own… but I want to offer you an alternative. I know that I’m but a lowly school teacher from a tragically underfunded district, but I’ve gotten pretty good at helping people see the pathway to their goals, and I’d like to try this with you. The good news is this: The power is entirely in your capable hands. Of all the people in the world, you are uniquely positioned to win this prize. Here is the plan, broken into manageable chunks as I do for my students:

1. Reverse course on everything you have done since January 20, 2025. This first step is non-negotiable (and I know how you love to negotiate, but this is imperative). Everything you have done is antithetical to your goal of winning a peace award. Turning the military on your own citizens, persecuting immigrants, stripping rights from marginalized communities, awarding billionaires with more billions, lining your pockets with newfound opportunities at the expense of your constituents, using the Department of Justice to punish your enemies… all of these things detract from any of the (consulting my rubric) wars you’ve claimed to have settled. Once that’s done, you will already be making significant progress, as many people will simply be happy that you’ve removed your sizable boot from their faces.
2. Donate any funds you personally control to repairing the damages caused by your policies since 1/20/25. I know. I feel you pulling away from me here. But do you want this or not? Is it worth it to you? I know you’re used to having things handed to you, even if it requires a 5-alarm temper tantrum, but that’s not going to work on the Nobel Committee. Unlike nearly every institution you’ve encountered, they’re firm on their standards—even for oligarchs.
3. Push new legislation that solidifies healthcare as a human constitutional right in the United States. Donald, could you imagine how popular this would make you? Americans no longer having to worry if an unforeseen catastrophic illness or injury will bankrupt them? There would be parties in the streets. Statues would be erected in your name—and they would probably be maintained, not used as the gender-neutral public restroom that so many hypothesize your tomb will become if you don’t change your ways. This might be hard for you, as empathy hasn’t always been your strong suit. Let’s face it: you didn’t have the best role models. Your parents were… well, we won’t go there right now. And Roy Cohn? He taught you to be ruthless, to win at all costs, but that’s not the Nobel way. Think about every time you’ve fallen ill, even in the last few months. Those bruises on your hands, the swollen ankles, the grazing of your earlobe by a gunshot… could you imagine how much more traumatic each experience would have been if you also had to worry about paying the medical bills?
4. Fix the Supreme Court. Rebalance it. Work with Congress to get the ideologues out or neutralize their power. Perhaps term limits? An expanded court to balance the voices? A binding code of ethics? You can hammer this out. You are, after all, the ultimate deal-maker.
5. Enshrine human rights for women, LGBTQ+ people, African Americans, and every other marginalized group you and your party have terrorized. Your followers won’t like this. You will lose some of them. But the support you gain will reinvigorate you. What brings more peace than being able to live your life as you truly are? I think even you would appreciate this peace. You’re clearly uncomfortable with your true self, hiding beneath layers of orange makeup, hair product, and suits that are too big. Is there a frightened child inside all of that cushioning? Wouldn’t it feel good to finally set him free to frolic in the playground you’ve built for yourself over 80 years of accumulation?

I’m going to stop with step five for now. That’s a big enough assignment for you at this point in your life. There are many more avenues to explore, and the momentum and goodwill generated by steps 1-5 will surely spur you onto bigger and greater things.

Let’s face it, Donald… (I still can’t bring myself to call you “Mr. President”—you don’t act like someone deserving of the title). You work for us. You traded your golden penthouse for a government job, and now your hands seem tied. You’re trying to run the country like you ran your organization. But even then, you crashed and burned. Spectacularly and frequently. The only difference was you had a golden parachute above and a golden airbag below. It’s time to lean into your role as a public servant. It’s time to give back. Personal gain is ephemeral. Look at your sons. Do they act like they appreciate what you handed them? Could you imagine how much better you all would feel if your wealth wasn’t just going into bank accounts or up someone’s nose? (Junior needs an intervention, but I know your plate is full).

Have you ever read Dickens’ A Christmas Carol? I’m sure you’ve at least seen an adaptation. Consider this a telegram preceding a visit from the Ghost of Roy Cohn and the spirits of your past, present, and future. Mankind should be your business, Donald. You strike me as someone who has never been satisfied. In Hindu mythology, the Preta are souls tormented by an insatiable hunger they can never quell, a cautionary tale for those who accumulate endlessly. They have giant bellies, but tiny mouths. They can never get enough. Does that sound familiar? Your hands couldn’t possibly scoop up enough to satiate your desires.

Turn it around right now, and who knows, the Nobel Committee may come calling. But I bet you’ll be so renewed by the joy of giving that you won’t even care.

That’s my hope, anyway. But I’m just a teacher.